Farewell,
Mandee
 

1. What controls your heart?

What rules the heart will exercise inescapable influence over life and behavior.

Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

 

2. How do you define love? What is its form and function in the interactions between you and me?

For what does my heart beat?

The heart is considered the seat of emotions and personality. According to the Bible, it is the wellspring of life, affecting the health of body, mind and spirit. If I die to myself, Christ gives me knew life, a new heart. This new heart beats in synchronization with the very heart of God. It longs to fulfill His purpose, seeks His glory, lives only for His glory. However, a new heart in a decayed body with a depraved mind falls short of ideal functionality.

As I try to press myself to the heart of Christ, an irregularity is felt. His steady, rhythmic beating exposes the erratic palpitations of my own by contrast. For what does my heart beat if it does not match the beat of my Savior?

It is diseased with sin and I fear His presence.

My heart is malfunctioning, sending the rest of my body into shivers of unrest and uncertainty. I tremble with new fear. My heart quickens as sweat beads on my forehead and dampens my palms. I freeze; I melt. Guilt’s icy fingers trace my naked spine, reveling in the revelation of all that is unholy in me, taunting my wretched estate. Like Eve, I cry for something to cover my shame, to push the earth over me, burying me alive. Death truly is the mercy of God in view of man’s sin.

Whispers of condemnation caress my ear; the cool words tickle my skin, heightening my terror, pushing me to flee the imaginary accusers. Shame entangles my limbs and my body sprawls. I cry out for mercy, believing none shall come. Desperation pushes me on; I scrape along the ground looking for crevice into which I would crawl and die. I plunge from the heights. The wind rushes into my lungs with suffocating velocity. I fight for my voice and scream my plea of salvation.

“Save me!” echoes painfully, vibrating my skull. The bottom cannot be far from me now. I let go of all I grasp, trusting Salvation.

I find myself in the light; the chill is gone, the burning ceased. My limbs move freely. No one appears to shriek accusations. Another presence draws near to comfort, full of kindness and hope. Redemption swirls about my shattered frame, binding up the wounds of my bleeding body. My mind races for understanding; my heart throbs as if it is finally home. Safety envelopes me in velvet. Love settles on my head, a diadem of more worth than my very life. The Comforter speaks in strong, soft tones. He’s waited, longed even, for my presence. I am the prodigal bride, chosen to receive His steadfast love—the object of ultimate care and affection. And I have returned to my First Love.

This Love cannot be. I am filthy, disgusting, of no worth of my own. Allow me first to bathe, that I might be clean. Allow be first to bandage my wounds, that I might be whole. Allow me first to adorn myself that I might be beautiful in your sight. Allow me first to do something worthwhile that I might make you proud to call me your own. Allow me first to…

His gaze pierces my thoughts and I know I can do nothing without His accomplishing it for me. He promises to clean my dirtiness. He promises to tend my wounds. He promises to adorn me with true beauty. He promises to give me a purpose, a calling on my life. He promises to never deny that I am His.

He draws me to himself, holding me tight to His chest. His steady, rhythmic beating tames the erratic palpitations of my own. My heart is His. I am a servant of His purpose, for His glory. My heart beats for His good pleasure.

On the day I called, you answered me;
   my strength of soul you increased.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
   your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Psalm 138

Lately, as I've started to explore my shame with God, I've started to think that maybe God sees my shame and desire to beat myself into submission with guilt differently than I do. Maybe if I asked Him, what He thought, He'd say:

"What if you struck yourself in the head with a chain every time you felt guilty or ashamed for letting me down? What if, you physically punished yourself every time you were not perfect? What if the self abuse was physical and external, instead of mental and internal? Would the scars cry for help? Would the pain you were causing yourself seem cruel and unnecessary? Would your heart break if you watched that person? This is what I see when I watch you Jon.

My son, my son, who told you that the crucifixion was not over?

Who told you that is what I require? That is not me. My blood debt was paid long ago. And yet, you bleed. With the knife of good intentions you cut and try to edit out the parts of yourself you imagine I'll not like. You slice and cut and bleed and fall and hurt.

I see it all. And I grieve. I grieve the joy you’re missing. I grieve the lies you're believing. I grieve. I grieve. Stop, please stop."

As I have dragged myself through the past weeks of school and sudden change, I sought merely my own comfort and gain. Even the few times I opened my Bible, I read with a desire to find something for myself—a verse or two that I could memorize and dwell on as a sort of ration for the following week. This may not seem like something wrong, but you did not see my true heart. I could not honestly say that I was seeking God to know him more and find my satisfaction in his mercy and grace. No, I was taking a shot, popping a pill, hoping a small dose would last a few days; an inspirational high would dull the tension. I did so for my own benefit because I know that when I read this book, I reap benefits.

I seem to have done everything selfishly these past weeks. Even relationships were centered on me and my own emotions. Now I am left in a state of utter solitude that no one should endure. All of this because I neglected my relationship with the one who makes all the difference. No wonder the verses read today sting my heart in such a way that these same words have never done before. I’ve read this chapter on many occasions and it finally seeped into the center of my passions and understanding.

Why does it take so much for me to learn? Why must I be so stubborn?

Today, my prayer and the cry of my heart is a compilation of verses from Psalm 119:

With my whole heart I seek you;
   let me not wander from your commandments!
Incline my heart to your testimonies,
   and not to selfish gain!
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
   and give me life in your ways.
Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD,
   your salvation according to your promise;
then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me,
   for I trust in your word.
Teach me good judgment and knowledge,
   for I believe in your commandments.
Forever, O LORD, your word
   is firmly fixed in the heavens.
Your faithfulness endures to all generations;
   you have established the earth, and it stands fast.
By your appointment they stand this day,
   for all things are your servants.
If your law had not been my delight,
   I would have perished in my affliction.
I will never forget your precepts,
   for by them you have given me life.
I am yours; save me,
  for I have sought your precepts.

December was full of more change than I could ever expect. After a year of longing for something different, for clear direction, my life transforms faster than I anticipated possible. For so long I feared this to be the wrong course, yet it remained the hope of my heart. Peace and absence of fear quell all doubt; what should I fear as I obey Christ? 

I asked myself if the past year of discontent spawned from neglect of God’s will for my life, neglect of his Word. It did indeed. Do not be mistaken, I remained where God placed me and was right for it. Yet, it revealed my weaknesses and habitual sins. I shudder at my disregard of his best for my life. How foolish could I be? At the same time, my folly brought me back to face my Savior. I could not remain unchanged, unmoved by his steadfast love, his kindness, his justice and yet his mercy. Daily I long for him, building a relationship in which I am fully known and fully loved. Though I still fail in obedience, he has taught me constancy, consistency. His kindness leads me to repentance; his steadfast love sustains me. As the changes continue, and others may panic, I choose to wait on the God of my salvation, living a life of praise to him. 

The cry of my heart remains:

Praise the Lord, all nations!

Extol him, all peoples!

For great is his steadfast love toward us,

And the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.

Praise the Lord!

~Psalm 117

Praise the LORD! Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD!
Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and forevermore!
From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the LORD is to be praised!

let it be known to all of you… by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well… And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:10, 12).

The LORD is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!
Who is like the LORD our God,
who is seated on high,
who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?

I have this overwhelming compulsion to run away. I want to cut my hair, streak it with electric blue and move to Seattle. There, I’ll become a theologian-chemist with mad barista skills while totally eliminating caffeine from my diet. For income, people will pay me to read thick books and write summaries revealing any pertinent information one should acquire from such literature (a la cliffsnotes). My free time will be spent mentoring students and creating a unique jewelry line of hand-made, copper-only pieces. I’ll get a tattoo and a few piercings, travel a poetry circuit, rub shoulders with beatniks and finish my novel while researching the fate of manufactured nanoparticles in the human body. I’m sure I’ll make time for knitting, Pilates, marriage and children, and a walking tour of England. In a few years time, I will look back at this decision and laugh boisterously, wildly and write down all the “what if” clauses my brain will conjure and publish them in a volume entitled “Regrets Sans Regret” simply to confuse people and make them chuckle at the strange musing floating around in this brunette head. I’m a mystery to myself perhaps someone else will solve.
 

God has done great things and will continue to do so as I wait for Him.

For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever.
He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.
~Psalm 112:6-7

Sometimes my studies regress to a quest for “intellectual crack”, those bits of new and exciting information sending me on a temporary “high” only to come back down to the daily rigor of the mundane—or so it seems.

As I read the Psalms and about women in the Bible, I realize the glory of God by remembering what He has accomplished and revealed in my past, in history past. For the second time this month I read a psalm exhorting me to remember what God has done. Remember His wondrous deeds! Perhaps I approached the “Women of the Bible” reading series with the wrong perspective. I looked for a new revelation of God’s character, or an exciting illumination of the text that I’d never encountered before. All the while, the Spirit encouraged me to remember the wondrous deeds of my Creator. Though not much is revealed about these women, God revealed himself to them through answered prayers and miracles. He offers these revelations to me, reminding me that He is indeed wondrous.

The Psalmist wrote, “Great are the works of the LORD, studied by all who delight in them… He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and merciful.”

Why must we remember what He has done? We must remember, even study, His works because in them He reveals Himself to us—the mystery of our purpose and His will are tied up in the Word and the history of humanity. When Christ is revealed, you and I must respond. I choose to respond in awe and joy.

“Praise the LORD! I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart!”

What have I done that can be fully attributed to my talents, my beauty, my intelligence, my strength, my compassion? Nothing—I offered no insight into my creation; I did not speak myself into existence. He did. Remember His wondrous deeds—from creation to the final revelation to the daily workings of the Spirit in my life! True wisdom comes from Him; He is the source of intelligence.

As I seek to know God deeply and proclaim Him widely I will not forget His wondrous deeds!

“He sent redemption to his people;
he has commanded his covenant forever.
Holy and awesome is his name!
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all those who practice it have a good understanding.
His praise endures forever!”

After talking to 8 professors and 5 graduate students I have less of an idea of what I want to research than I had previously. I hope I made an adequately favorable impression as they are reviewing my application today. I shall know “soon” what decision they reach.

In all of this I am reminded of my love for chemistry and my passion to do the will of God. I do not know what He has in store for me. I simply know that I do not want to do this by my own volition and effort.

My heart is steadfast, O God!
I will sing and make melody with all my being!

I co-lead a small group of teenage girls with a dear and respected friend of mine at church. Many of these girls I’ve known since their introduction to youth group in seventh grade. I now consider their lives as many of them are preparing for life after high school.

Watching them grow from awkward “sevies” into ambitious women preparing to go out on their own has been both a blessing and burden. Six years does not seem like a long period time to me anymore, but the events that transpired in this group in this time will affect me always.

Last summer was the sweetest time with this group. Many of girls saw their God, His will. They knew the love of their Maker and looked forward to fulfilling their purpose with joy, determination, and enthusiasm. I learned so much from them in those months as they sought God with all their hearts. He became real, personal to them. They took ownership of their worldview—it was no longer borrowed from their parents or friends, but it was one they took as their own deep conviction. This singular focus fostered intense unity in the group; we seemed to understand community and accountability. This time was beautiful!

However, life is messy and seldom does it remain beautiful to our limited vision. As growing older often entails, pain entered the picture. I do not understand all that has happened in the months since that time. I do not know what I could have done—what I should have done. When I think of this group, a list of girls appears in my head reminding me of those who did not persevere through the past year. Here is my burden. I watched them fall and struggle to regain their walk in the midst of consequences and wretched circumstances. I watched them intentionally run from Love, abusing grace by their actions, knowing very well that they were created for a different path. I watch them become disconnected and apathetic. My heart sags with sadness for them; I want so badly for them to know true Joy. I know their rebellion will lead to their ruin; their apathy will sell them short of true Joy. I cannot consider this without the tears streaming down my face. Then the guilt creeps in to my heart, accusing me of failure. I failed them. I failed them through my own struggles. I failed them through my own abuse of grace. I failed them through my own mistakes and consequences. I failed them and I should simply quit now before I leave too many more casualties in my wake.

As believable as guilt is, this is a lie. The thought of despairing because I failed them is founded on a major flaw: me. Even in my sorrow for these girls I am selfish. I blame myself because somehow I decided that I am the only one who can help them, save them, redeem them, lead them. How preposterous a thought! I can do nothing but point them to the One who can help them, save them, redeem them, lead them, and love them perfectly. I am simply meant to give them the Word of God and push them toward his loving, strong arms. They are not mine, they are His and they certainly are not beyond his grasp.

I shared these thoughts with a friend, and in wisdom he said exactly what the Holy Spirit is trying to teach me, though it is difficult to accept:
 

If they are believers, they belong to Jesus and not you. Jesus is strong and you are not. Jesus will never lose a believer. So, if they are truly saved, they will persevere until the end. We can take hope in that fact.

Jesus tells me this himself in His Word:
 

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.

Ownership is Christ’s; I am simply a tool to do His will through His power.

My hope is in Him and His promises.

When only darkness and desolation is seen, when loneliness is more than tangible

I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob, and I will hope in him.

The people refuse to do what is right. Evil consumes them and their children. The fiery and just Wrath is coming and no one heeds the warnings. Obliteration awaits them.

Yet, Wrath and Justice are not without Grace and Mercy—promises for a future, for a Love eternal. He is faithful, His promises are good.

You will say in that day:
"I will give thanks to you, O LORD,
for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.
"Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation."

With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:
"Give thanks to the LORD,
call upon his name, make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.
"Sing praises to the LORD, for he has done gloriously;
let this be made known in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel."
~Isaiah 12

The lies I believe:
I’m confused; those whom I serve abuse me; I lack boldness—evangelism is NOT my gifting; my ministry is an utter failure already.

The truth I grasp:
As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.